Welcome to the Sword of Sure podcast. Where doubt looms, fear whispers, and the only way forward is through. I'm Samar Carbo, and if you've ever felt like you're just sort of sure about what you're doing, you're not alone. This is where we face the uncertainty. Push past the hesitation, and keep going anywhere way. So take a breath, step in, and let's move forward together.

Hello, and welcome back to the Sort of Shore podcast. This is Samar Carbo. I'm here to guide you through a conversation that I had recently with Sarah Feder. She has so many credits to her name, I'm gonna let her talk about that. But while you're here and while you're just getting started, feel free to rate the podcast five stars if you support us and go ahead and follow so you don't miss any new episodes. Let's have a listen.

Hi, my name is Sarah Fader. I am a writer, speaker, journalist, and single mom, and also a cat mom. I have been featured on the front page of the Washington Post and in the New York Times. I've written for Psychology Today and lots of other places. You can find me online, and I'm really excited to talk about imposter syndrome. So I continually experience imposter syndrome pretty much every day, I think, because I've accomplished a lot in my life in terms of, you know, being published in the Washington Post and the New York Times and having my work in Psychology Today and all these great outlets, and yet every day when I wake up and think to myself, how am I going to make ends meet? Or how am I going to, you know, like, provide for my kids and things like that, I'm like, oh, I'm a failure. You know, even though I have all these accomplishments in terms of my writing and I've done things that I. I thought I. That I thought I would never do as a child, I've accomplished a lot of success. I've published books, I've spoken at universities. And yet every day I think I'm a loser. You know, like, it's just. It's not something that makes any sense. And I think part of it has to do with struggling with mental illness, because when you deal with depression, depression doesn't care about facts. It doesn't. It doesn't look at the facts. It's all about feelings. So I've done all these great things, and yet my brain is like, well, you're. You're totally. Like, it's easy for me to go into that mode of thinking oh, you're a failure. Even though there's no evidence to that effect. It's just a feeling. And depression likes to lie and make you feel that way. It's definitely not my voice. It's the voice of people in my past, maybe my family members, that sort, that sort of thing. I like to think of it as an external voice because one thing that helps me cope with those feelings is to look at it like it's either this part of myself, the inner critic, that is trying to help in some weird dysfunctional way where the. It's like the inner critic wants you to, to try harder or succeed in different ways. And so it's well meaning, but it's the way that it's going about things is not functional. So it's either that or sometimes I think of it like it's the voice of a family member that has been hypercritical of me my whole life.

Oh, that's really good. And I love that you put the portion of choice in there because we do have that option, right? We're using our imagination no matter what. May as well, you know, put it to an outside voice rather than it being ourselves. And I love the thing that you say, and I wonder if you could say more about that. That inner voice is well meaning but not functional. Could you talk a little more about that?

Yeah, I've talked about this in therapy and I, when I did family systems therapy where you go and think about parts of yourself that are not healed. And so there is a part of me that my inner critic, which, which manifests in different ways. But this particular inner critic that I hear often will say things like, oh, you're so, you know, you're so disorganized or you know, you have to get your shit together or you're bad with money or whatever, whatever the case may be, it's telling me things that I do want to change in my life, that I do want to better myself in particular ways, but it's doing it in a shaming way. So yeah, I definitely want to work on executive functioning and I want to be more organized in my house and know where things are. That is a goal. But the way that my inner critic is telling me about it is saying like, oh, you're disorganized or you're a failure in terms of knowing where things are, you're a shitty mom, or whatever the case may be. So it's not, the message is not necessarily bad, it's just the way that the inner critic is going about it is shaming which doesn't work in terms of functionally. It doesn't work. It doesn't make somebody want to change. So when I hear those messages from my inner critic, I try to take out of it, like, what is it that I'm striving to do? So if the inner critic is saying, oh, you're so disorganized and this and that, like, okay, well, the message really is that I want a way, I want a system so that I can be more organized with my money. I need a system. And it. So it's taking the shame out of it and saying, like, what is missing here and what do I need?

So when. What do you hear when you're telling yourself that you've done these great things that are true?

My mom, probably because I think, you know, my mom passed away. But my mom was always encouraging and affirming and she would always tell me, like, that I was capable of so much. And so, you know, even though she passed away, I could still talk to her in my head. So when I accomplish something, I definitely hear my mom saying, like, you're so enterprising. Or, you know, this is, this is great. Like, you, you know, like, only you could do this. Or, you know, things. Things that my mom would reaffirm in me. So I think definitely it's my mom's voice. I think there's a lot of feedback in our world that' you know, like logic based or like, you know, you have to, you have to act a certain way or do a certain thing. But when you quiet that noise, you learn so much about, like, what you really want, how you really feel. And so when I was a senior in high school, I was really suffering with anxiety to the point where I was, like, throwing up every day. It was really bad. And so my mom suggested this guided meditation with John Kabat Zinn, who is credited for, like, fusing Eastern and Western perspectives. Like, he brought over mindfulness basically to the West. And so the guided meditation helped calm my body and my mind and I was able to make it through the day. As a senior in high school, like, I was nervous about, like, that transition from being kind of a young teenager to becoming a young adult. And I was able to tap into this kind of, like, embracing the fear. Like, I was really scared. And once I realized, like, there wasn't anything that I could do, like this was happening no matter what. It was just a matter of, like, tolerating that just, you know, the distress tolerance, tolerating the distress and also being able to function within Having that level of anxiety. So mindfulness helped me in terms of being able to like, to live really. Like, I was just so afraid of becoming an adult and mindfulness help me transition from childhood to adulthood. I think the reason I was throwing up is I couldn't take any more input. I had so much, I had so many feelings, I was in so much distress that I just couldn't. I couldn't even input anything to my body. And then I would have to meditate in the morning in order to eat anything because I just, I could not calm myself. And in general during that time, eating was hard because I. Because my body was in so much distress. But I was able to get through it. And I think, and there truly is a mind body connection because once my mom died, she died of gastric cancer. And so I started to have stomach problems after she died because I think I was like internalizing the grief. And so I've been processing that in therapy in emdr, with Reiki, that sort of thing, because I know there's grease stuck in my stomach. And once I started to process that, then I was dealing with a lot of reflux and things like that. So, like, once I started to process the grief and really deal with my feelings and speak my truth, the reflux started to dissipate. Not entirely, but it did start to get better. I mean, obviously I also am doing a lot of things like with, you know, using Western Eastern medicine to treat my stomach. But like, there is an emotional component to it which is that it is pent up grief.

Oh, absolutely. And I fully feel that, of course, in my own way, the smallest thing for the audience, one of the smaller things that you'll be able to see this in your own life is if you're about to go up on stage, there is nothing wrong with your stomach, but you still got all those butterflies and you still got the feeling of there being something wrong with your stomach because that's just where some people hold it.

Yeah, there's a lot of emotion in the stomach. There's a lot. There's a lot. And also, you know, like, biologically too, like serotonin is. There's so much serotonin in your belly. And so like when things are moving properly in your stomach, you're going to feel better because you're getting, you're getting the right, you know, level of serotonin, like back up to your brain. So it's interesting if you think about, like a lot of the people that have depression, anxiety, like it. There's a high Correlation to like, stomach issues and mental health stuff. You know, for me, I just started to pay attention to my body more because. And things that have helped me in terms of that is like, I really like weightlifting because it. It actually is physically grounding. And a lot of times with anxiety, I would feel like I was like a floating head, you know, floating above my body. I would forget that I had a body. So doing things that would be grounding for me were extremely important because I am so cerebral and I get stuck in my head. So weightlifting is really helpful to like, bring me back down to earth.

Oh, that's absolutely fantastic situation to sort of find in that meditative, heavy lifting atmosphere.

Yeah. Because you can't. You can't focus. As I say, like, when you're. When you're lifting weights, all you can focus on is those weights. You don't have a choice. Like, you're not thinking about, like, you know, what happened to you when you're five, Right. Like, you have to focus on what is in front of you because it is like you need to keep yourself safe.

Do you have advice for someone who maybe in your previous position or someone out there who wants to write or found a nonprofit or podcast or any bunch of things that you've done? Do you have advice for them so that they can get out of imposter syndrome or at least get to the next day around it?

Veer away from saying, I'm trying to be this or I'm an aspiring this that. I learned that when I was at a blogging conference. I called blogher, which is not a thing anymore, but I went for years. When you say you're aspiring, you're taking away from your power. So if you want to start a podcast, you start calling yourself a podcaster. If you want to write, start calling yourself a writer and then do things to make that happen. So just because you haven't published a book doesn't mean you're not a writer. A writer is someone who writes, period, end of story. Right? So that's what you have to. It's really about the mindset. And also remember that the notion of success is really abstract. Success means what it means to you, not what it means to someone else. So if you set a goal, you don't know how long it's going to take to get to that goal. But it's important to set a goal. So, okay, I want to start a podcast. Okay, so I'm going to find somebody who has a podcast and ask them how they got started. You know, like that, that's the thing is to build relationships with people that are in the field that you want to get into and ask them questions. People love to talk about themselves, so let them talk about themselves. That's how I've gained so much information. It's like you ask people questions. Anyone who has succeeded in anything has done, like, informal research and got it, you know, like, you can't do things all by yourself. You have to ask questions. And the more questions you ask, the more prepared you're going to be to go on your journey and do things again.

Really well said, but I could expect nothing less.

Thank you. I just want people. I want people to. Oh, and also the idea of failure, like, it's so important to fail because if you, when you fail, it means you tried, right? So when you, you know, like, if you didn't fail because you didn't try, so you need to try fail and then learn from that failure. Okay, what didn't go? Right? What do I want to change? You know, instead of like, failing and then giving up, fail and learn, right? So that, that's, that's something I also learned. Also, my friend, there's this kind of notion of, like, what does it mean to be confident? Like, confidence is very loaded word. But it completely shifted my perspective when my friend told me, confidence is the willingness to try. Because if you think about it, when you try, you're being brave, and that is confidence. Like, I am confident enough to try. So just when you think about it like that, confidence is not unattainable. All you have to do is try. You know, you also have. There is a balance of being gentle with yourself, too, because there are some days you're not going to want to get out of bed. And so the best thing that you can tell yourself is, like, if all you did is get out of bed today, that's awesome. If you are listening to this and you're dealing with depression, I want you to just do one thing, which is to go open your door and step outside. You don't even have to go for a walk. Just go and stand outside your door, breathe, like fresh air for five minutes once a day. Even if it's just to stand on your porch, get fresh air once a day. Do not go one day without putting your nose outside.

It's great advice. I mean, you're pretty close to where I am. It's been raining so much this week, and it's just dreary to look at. Even stepping out on the porch would have been better.

And people use rains as an excuse here too because I lived in Portland for two years and it rained every day. So you just had to do things in the rain no matter what. So like there is nothing better than the smell after it rains. It smells so freaking good.

Yeah. And they even. Oh, I'm blanking on the name Petrichor. The name for the smell. It is life giving and I don't know why I don't experience it more in a non oppressive capacity. I don't want to be out in it for hours. But sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, that's magic.

It is. But yeah, Petrichor is the bomb. It's the best.

Well, thank you for being on the story. Sure. Podcast. You have a great day, sir.

Bye now.

You too. Take care. Bye. Bye.

I want to thank Sarah Feder for being on the podcast. There was so much extra audio and conversation that I'm starting to think maybe I should have a Patreon or. Or something so that I can give you guys the raw audio which would be a little bit less polished but certainly would include a lot more conversation because that was a really good one. As we move forward, I want to encourage you to head over to sarah fader.com that's s a R A H F A D E r dot com. You can follow all of her information there. I'll also have it down in the show notes. And as always, if this episode gave you something to think about, feel or change, share it with someone else who needs to hear it. It would be so helpful for the sort of sure podcast team and for the person who needs to hear it. Revamping things just a touch at Dexterous headquarters. So my coaching company. So new things coming down the line. Also next week is my birthday week so we are going to be looking at a couple of surprises coming out. It's extra episodes. It's always extra episodes when people say that. Anyway, I am looking forward to next week. My birthday is next Thursday the 8th, so feel free to drop me five stars as a gift. Feel free to say some positive things about the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. Later days.