Welcome to the sort of shore podcast. Hello and welcome to the Sort of Shore Podcast. My name is Samarth Carbo and I am so excited to bring this conversation to you. Today I spoke with Sonia Koenig, who is an end of life doula out there in Texas and I hope she's looking to replicate herself or offer some online classes because she is offering an awesome service that you'll hear all about. But before we get there, if you have a story of imposter syndrome or self doubt, shoot me an email and at sort of surepod gmail.com we'll see if we can get you on the podcast or I can just tell your story up to you. Without further ado, let's have a listen.

My name is Sonia Koenig. I am a chaplain and I'm also an end of life doula. I'm also an instructor and I teach end of life doula courses. And you're probably wondering what is the end of life doula? So there are birth doulas and an end of life doula is somewhat like a birth doula, but the difference is we deal with individuals that are dying, that are going through the dying process where birth doulas help bring babies into the world. They bring life, they help bring life. Well, we help life to leave the world and we give holistic support to the individuals into that are dying and their families to help them to have a peaceful passing. That's what I do as an end of life doula. Now I am also an instructor where I teach end of life doula courses. I teach people to do what I do and also work with churches and helping them to set up compassionate care ministries in their church so that they can be a support to those in their congregation that are dying, that are sick, that are shut in, that needs that extra support. And as an end of life doula and a chapter and an instructor, I have been doing this for a little over 30 years, maybe 32 years. And this is a ministry that I feel that God has called me into and it's also a business. This is a business in a ministry and it's one thing I teach churches is a business ministry model and, and teaching them how to be able to do compassionate care and also how to make an another income for that church in their compassionate care ministry.

I want to dial it back 30 years. How did you get into this work?

Well, it's not something that I, I really wanted 30 years ago when I first started, I did not like what I was doing. I didn't like death. I didn't. You know, my very first person died on me. And I took care of him for seven years, seven months, seven days to the seventh hour. And when he passed, I was like, no, I can't do this. I told God, I said, you don't have to find somebody else to do this, because I'm not doing this. I am not working with people that are dying. And the more I said no, the more I kept being asked to help someone because I love taking care of people. I love helping people. And that's how I got, I say, roped into it, because I would take care of someone and they end up dying on me. And. And so this was 1991 when I first started doing this. And in 2010 is when I finally stopped fighting it because I was always taking care of people. Somebody was always dying on me. And I ran from this. I even became a paralegal and got my degree as a paralegal. And. And I worked as a paralegal for 20 years. But I still, even in doing that, I still ended up taking care of people and helping people. And part of what I did as a paralegal was estate planning, and that's dealing with helping people get their end of life affairs in order. And so little did I know, unbeknownst to me, that what I'm doing now, it all involves everything I did as a paralegal. And in 2010, when my best friend passed away, she came to me in a dream and she told me because she had been there for me when I was trying to get pregnant and have kids. And then when she was trying to get pregnant and have a child, I was there for her. And she said to me, in this dream, she said that you are truly a dear friend and I appreciate everything you did for me. And then at the end of the dream, I heard someone call her voice, and. And she got up and started to walk away, and she looked at me and she said, now go do what God has told you to do. And I knew immediately what she was talking about, because I ran. For so many years, I would try to run from being there for those that are dying. And when she said that, I just felt this peace in my heart, a peace in my spirit that stop fighting it. Because the more I fought, the more people God kept sending to me and the more difficult it was and the more hurting and trauma to me it felt. But when I accepted what she said to me now it has been, I love what I do now. I look for, I don't want to do anything else but this, you know, And I know some people say that that's so morbid, but it's not. For me, it's life because we're born, we live, we die. And so my whole premise is to help people to prepare for leaving this world and when they leave the world, to make things easier, not just for them, where they can have a peaceful passing, but also to make it easier for their family so their family can grieve and not have to worry about trying to get their affairs, their end of life affairs in order and grieve at the same time.

So, I mean, you spent 30 years doing this. You didn't want to get into it. What are the downsides of this work now that you're in it, now that you love it?

The downside is because I don't always get a steady income. I got bills to pay. This is a business and I got bills to pay. And I don't always, like I said, get that steady income. But I don't worry about that really, because like I said, God's compensation package is better demands, and all my bills for my business get paid. Another downside would be when my boys were home, because now they're grown and gone. But I homeschooled at the same time. My husband and I both, we work together in homeschooling our boys. And there were times when I had to go be with the client that was passing and I couldn't be there to teach my boys, you know, and my husband was there, thank God. A lot of times my boys went with me to my client's house while I was there serving that client. My boys were right there with me. So they were involved. They saw what mama did all the time. Another downside is I get attached. I get emotionally attached to some of my clients. Know, they become like family to me. And when they pass, I feel like part of my family just passed away, you know, And I have to remember to take time for myself because I'm no good to my clients if I don't take time for myself. And when I get so emotionally attached to them and they pass away, I garden because I like to garden. And that's what helps me to. To ground myself, to. To. To release that death because I like to garden. So I see it as this person passed away. Now I get to go outside and play in the dirt and bring life back through my plant, you know? And another downside would be spending so much time with them. I had one client that passed away, and I spent 75 hours with him. That was time that was taken away from my husband and from my boys. And I thank God for my husband because there's a lot of times that he and I may have plans and I gotta cancel because I got a phone call. Someone's dying or the family needs my help and I gotta run to go help them. And that takes away from us. But he's very understanding and he gives me the space I need to be able to go serve other families.

That's fantastic. Do you believe that you were prepared for this work in childhood or just you were born this way or what you into it?

I do believe that because as a child, I always wanted to take care of people, you know, and I always wanted to do things to help people, and people have always been important to me, you know, and I watched my mom help take care of people. My mother, she. She's not a nurse and she was never trained in what she does, but I watched her help cancer patients. I watched her help people in the church that were sick and dying. And. And I tell her, you don't realize that I was observing you and I was watching you and I was paying attention. That's why parents got to be careful what they do, because kids, their kids are watching them whether they realize it or not. And I believe that as a child, God was preparing me for this ministry because when I look back on my childhood and how much people were important to me and how much I wanted to always take care of people and always wanted to help people and do things, I. I believe that I was born, this is my nature, that this was my purpose in life. Because I've tried to do so many other things to run from this, but I keep coming back to this. And because of things in my childhood, I would. Even animals. I love animals. And my heart would just, you know, hurt when I see an animal dying. And I wanted to be there for that animal. I wanted to help that animal, you know? So I believe that death and helping those that are on their death journey has always been a part of my life. I just didn't know what it was until I got older. Matter of fact, I didn't even realize that I was a death doula or end of life doula until, I guess maybe 2015, 2014 is when it was introduced to me and I never heard of it. And I was told, well, you do this all the time is what you do. And I'm like, I don't know what that is.

And.

And so I went and Got educated and trained in this area. And I was like, wow, this is pretty cool. Now, I am very confident in what I do. And sometimes I get cases where I'm not. I don't know what to do. So I just pray and I say, God, what is it? How do I do this? How do I handle this? And then I just. Just go and do it. So, yes, I do believe this was all part of me growing up. This was my purpose in life, my nature.

What gets you through if, say, you can't garden.

Well, I have a dog that I love dearly, and I can. I would take him for a walk. And while we're walking, I'm talking to him, I'm talking to God, I'm singing, just enjoying nature. And because I love to be outside, I love nature and I love my doggy. And when I take him with me, I'll even sit and talk to him. He don't know what I'm saying and don't understand, but he just looks at me as if to say, mom, it's okay. I'm here for you. You know, and being with my dog and being able to just talk to God and go for walks, that helps me out a lot, you know, because I like this family I'm working with now. There's a lot of family drama going on, and there are times I get very frustrated because of how people's behavior is. And I'm like, it's not about you. Your daddy just died, you know, and you making this about you, you know, And. And so in cases like that, when I have those type of moments, just being with my dog, finding a friend that I can confide in and just dumping on them. And when I finish, I feel so much better, you know, because, you know, I have a couple of friends that I can just dump on whenever I need to. And they'll listen. You know, if I need advice from them, I'll tell them, hey, you know, I need some advice here. Or if I'm just venting, I'll tell them, hey, I'm just venting right now. And they know, don't give me any advice. Don't try to fix it. Just let me. Don't. And then they'll say, are you okay now? And I'm like, yep, I'm fine.

So now I love that. Now, there. There is a question I kind of ask everybody, but if somebody was, you know, at the very beginning of all of this, and they have the same sort of doubts that you did, that this isn't the kind of Life they want to live or they don't feel qualified or what have you. What advice would you have for them?

Well, I would ask them, why do you feel you're not qualified? Give me the pros and cons why you feel you're not qualified. Because there are a lot of times now, like I said, I've been doing this for over 30 years, but there are times when I still feel like I'm not qualified. You know, different issues and different things would come up and I'm like, I'm not qualified. And just because we feel we're not qualified doesn't mean that we're not qualified. And. And so you just have to go back and evaluate why are you feeling this way? You know, why are you doubting yourself? You know, and look at. Go back and look at what you have done. And well, yeah, I did this, and this worked out, and I did this. And so don't give up, because I could have gave up many years ago, and if I had have given up, I would have missed out on being a blessing to so many families and helping so many people make that peaceful transition and helping husbands that were not very good husbands and not very good fathers, but helping them to process that, although you felt like you were not good because you were alcoholic, because you were a drug addict, but what are some of the good things that you did? Do you know, helping them to be able to find closure and help them to be able to find peace and help them to go to their families and say, I'm sorry for the way I treated you. So just because we might think we are doesn't mean that we're not qualified. Doesn't mean we're not qualified to do that job. And so just evaluate why is it you feel that way? What are the good things that you have found doing this? What are the bad things? You know, and then just really to help them process and think about it and see, because there are times when I feel like I'm not qualified, and then I find out that I am more than qualified, you know, and if I find out this is just not something I can do, then, okay, so let me go try to do something else and see how that works, you know, but we got to stop selling ourselves short, because there are a lot of times we sell ourselves short and we. We kill what's in us before it's even had a chance to live. You know, Rome wasn't built in a day, and so you got to give us some time to really see if this really is what you are to do or not.

I love having professional speakers on the show. My job, so easy. So I've got one final thing. It's. It's sort of, sort of a free for all. Is there anything that we haven't mentioned yet that you would like to mention on the podcast?

Yes, people, you don't have to fear death. It is very important that you think about your death and to get your end of life affairs in order. It makes it so much easier on your family when you have taken the time to make the last final decisions for yourself that you can make. And I say this because right before Thanksgiving, I worked with another family and a church where there was an unexpected death. And there's a class that I teach that's called More Than a Casserole. And this lady attended this class. And in this class we teach them how to get their end of life affairs in order so that they can teach people in their church how to do that. Well, she was one of our students. She completed the course, she completed the book, the workbook that we have. Well, she passed away right before Thanksgiving and her family was, they. They didn't know what to do in planning things for her and preparing. And her pastor came to me and I said, well, she completed the workbook to get her affairs in order. So why don't y' all look in that, that may give y' all some ideas on her wishes, on what she wanted. And they found the book and it made things so much easier for her family, for her husband and her children because she had already mapped out everything. She put all of her information in there about insurance policies. She planned her own funeral memorial service. She planned everything. And they didn't know that was there. It made, that made things so much easier for them because she done. She did everything where they didn't have to. They could grieve and mourn their loss and not have to try to figure things out for her. And so I encourage people that it is not morbid. It is showing your family how much you love them, how much you care about them, how much you want to put less stress on there on them when you do it yourself, when you get it in order for them. And one of the books that we have that this lady used, it was our end of life peace of mind for your family. And it's a book to help you. It's. It's a 112, 124 pages. And it is helping you to get your affairs in order, like putting your policy number in there. You your military DD214s information, you're planning your funeral, writing your obituary, writing your eulogy, bank and, and assets and liabilities and all that stuff, online passwords, all of that. And it also has information in there for police officers and firemen, you know, on, on how to get things in order for them because you never know when your time is going to come. You never know what's going to happen. And if you have these things already in place for your family, it's easier for them. And unfortunately, people of color, we don't always, we don't think that life insurance policies are important, you know, part of it, we don't have the money to pay for it, you know, and we don't think ahead like that. But when you think ahead and you get some form of policy, it will help. Insurance policy. It's going to help your family when your time comes. We're not, they're not going to have to have TV or not TV dinners but barbecue dinners to raise money. The money is already there, you know, so part of leaving a legacy is also preparing for your end of life because you're not going to live forever, but you want to make sure that your family, who is left are. They're able to mourn and grieve you and not stress over, over how they gonna pay for your funeral. Get your end of life affairs in order. Leave a legacy with your family to show them that, hey, I'm not here anymore but this is the last thing that I can make a choice on because I did it and you didn't have to.

That there's a mic drop moment. Thank you so much for being on the Sword of Sh podcast. It has been my distinct pleasure.

Thanks for inviting me. I appreciate it. All right, you take care. God bless. Bye bye.

What a great conversation. Love having Sonia on. Just might do that again. She and I are part of the same mastermind group and we, we spoke at the same event in Columbia last year. I want to say super cool, really. I mean, you know, the subject matter. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. So by all means, check her out. You'll see her information in the show. Notes you if you have a story of self doubt or imposter syndrome, shoot me an email at sort of surepod gmail dot com. I can't wait to hear from you. Thanks for tuning in later days. Sa.