Welcome to the Sword of Sure podcast. Where doubt looms, fear whispers, and the only way forward is through. I'm Samar Carbo, and if you've ever felt like you're just sort of sure about what you're doing, you're not alone. This is where we face the uncertainty. Push past the hesitation, and keep going anyway way. So take a breath, step in, and let's move forward together.

Hello and welcome to the Sort of Shore podcast. As you may have heard in the beginning or from previous episodes, at this point, my name is Samar Carbo and I am so excited to bring you in on the second part of my conversation with a Bardian X. Parillo for episode 30. Man, seems like time is flying by. So much fun though, before we get there, if you have a story of imposter syndrome or self doubt, shoot me an email. Ordofsherpod. Let's have a listen.

I'm really grateful that I have. I work a 12 step program for substances, another 12 step program. So I learned a lot of those skills within the. In those 12 steps. In those 12 steps.

Yeah.

I'm not a drinker and alcoholic, but they have other programs for people who.

Yeah, it's a very helpful framework.

Right.

So that was really helpful for me to basically learn the tools and the skills to have relationships with those other people and for me to be able to live with myself.

Yeah.

What you're saying reminds me a lot of this. I forget which country, exactly. But an African proverb. And it's the idea that if there is no enemy inside, if I'm not my own enemy, the enemy outside can.

Do me no harm.

Oh my.

Oh, so.

So many times that's come up in my life.

Oh, yeah.

Once I stopped being my own worst.

Enemy, the world got easier.

The person who can do the most harm to you is you. And I have done more harm to myself than anyone ever could. Yeah.

Oh, man.

Because I've treated myself in ways I would never treat another human being.

Isn't that a crazy thing?

We treat ourselves in this horrible way and we think about it. Would anybody else, if anybody else spoke to me or a loved one like that? Oh, I'd go up one side and down the other.

But it's like.

But you have to.

You have to learn what to do in place of that. Yes. And so for me, it was a 12 step program that helped me to sort of learn that, learn those skills, learn those tools and within the safety of the room, learn how to apply them. Because in my relationships with the Other people in the room, you get to practice that. Those skills. So when you go out into the real world with the normies.

Yeah.

You've got experience under your belt in terms of how do you deal with that.

And you.

And you hear other people who have done. Who've done exactly the same thing, and they're. They're examples.

Yeah.

Oh, this is what they've done. And it's worked for them. Let me try it. And I go, oh, well, this certainly works better than what I was doing.

Yeah.

And then that example is, lets us step higher and always stand on the shoulders of giants as we walk through our day.

And so going back to the issue with relationships, it was invaluable in terms of changing my marriage from what it was to what it is now, because it was so toxic, because we both brought our isms into the relationship and both of us had no set of tools. And so it was. It was not. Not fun. But as I started learning these things and applying them, things started getting better.

Right.

And I realized what I contributed to that toxicity. And then.

Yeah.

And that's so hard to admit.

How you contributed.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Still.

Still.

Because I'm always discovering a new thing that I do that. But it was heartening to kind of understand that it could change even if she didn't change.

Right.

That it wasn't reliant on her changing any of your behavior. That I could still have a better relationship if I just focused on myself and just changed myself. She's changed, you know, but. But my changing help my half of the relationship.

Right.

And not changing in order to change someone else, changing to make yourself better.

Yeah. Yeah.

Because, you know, I talk to people, and I can hear. I was talking to somebody today who's in the midst of a relationship that isn't exactly the same as mine was, but the dynamic is still the same.

That it's.

There's a lot of fear, there's a lot of control. There's a lot of intimidation. There's just a lot of stuff there. And, you know, he was saying that, you know, I don't know how to fix this. And I said, you know, the only thing you can really do is focus on changing yourself. Don't expect her to change at all. And even if you continue in this relationship, it can get better just as a result of you changing. And you may find that after you've transformed many of those things, this may still be a relationship you may want to be in. Still in.

You may not.

But you'll Learn how to be comfortable with saying no. You'll get comfortable with saying, this isn't right. This is inappropriate. I don't feel comfortable with this. And not saying it in anger, not saying it in an attacking way, not seeing it full of resentment, not being passive aggressive.

Yeah.

And being. And being a man from my generation that was very reluctant to share feelings about anything. You know, it's like, how you feeling? I'm fine.

Yeah.

Always fine.

Good.

And open up a little bore. I'm. It still worked for me. But I'll sometimes, okay, this is what's going on for me today. And I'm a work in progress with respect to that. But it helps, you know, it helps. You know, I used to think that being vulnerable was a weakness. And it's not.

Right.

And we don't say it out loud, but it is. It comes out in our actions.

Yeah.

Yeah. Because I, My wife, get into discussions about, you know, the people we kind of allow in our orbit.

Right.

And, you know, I always make a point that it's like we don't attract toxic people for the most part. It's like, because we're not putting out that kind of energy. So if someone sort of. Sort of leans to that, they're going to go with people that. That for whom that toxicity is a.

Magnet where they won't feel out of place.

Right.

And. And, you know, there's certain people who are in constant drama, regardless who's in the cast.

Right.

It's like they're always in drama. And it's like, that's not us.

Right.

And in large part, it's to who we are, who we've made ourselves over over the years. There's still people there. I mean, I'm not saying God knows, you know, but there's not the level of negativity that I see in other people's lives.

Right.

And it's just that. Not that I'm. I don't think that we're picky about who we allow in our lives. We just. We are who we are. We have these parties that we do each year at our home. And what I've loved about it is that we get all these different people, different races, different cultures, different age groups, and they all come to the house. Many people don't really know each other, but everyone hangs out and just hangs and has a great time. And I love that because it's like, these are people who, under normal circumstances would never cross paths, but under our house, everybody just connects. And that's a little testament, I think to who we've. The relationship we've built with each other and by extension with the other people in our lives. There have been some people who have been like, they're not coming to the house again.

Yeah, how'd you get here?

And it's just like. And immediately I, I just go, nope. But that's, I'm grateful for one, the ability to recognize that immediately not be apologetic about that and just say, no, it's okay.

Thank you, but no, it's lovely.

So I gotta ask if you had someone in front of you who was at the beginning of their journey, say they wanted to start a podcast, or they wanted to work in photography or even in relationships, who was in your position, but they're mired down by imposter syndrome and self doubt.

What would be your advice to that person?

To reach where you are?

I think be vulnerable, to find somebody who you can trust to talk to about it. Because getting out of imposter syndrome is not something you really can do by yourself. Whether it's counseling, whether it's a religious person, priest, a rabbi, pastor, or just a good friend, someone that you trust to be able to say, hey, this is what I'm going through and being able to be really genuine with that person. So as you walk through it, they're not necessarily telling you what to do. They're just, they're willing to listen to you and reaffirm that you're okay, this is normal and it's all right. You know, if you want to, you know, say you want to submit this story to this magazine, you can. Well, if you want to be accountable to me, I'll check on you in a month to see that you've done it. You know, you know, something like that. But you know, being, doing it by just sheer force of will never worked for me. Just didn't. And I needed other people around me who understood it, if had if or had walked through it themselves. Was incredibly helpful to me because it gave me a perspective that I was incapable of developing on my own because my, my thinking was distorted.

Right.

I learned all these things that didn't work. And those things that, that were in my brain were the very things that were keeping me in that, in that hole. And there was no, there is not going to be enough reading self help books or watching inspiring videos or buying a new camera equipment or new shoes or a new gym membership. You know, those things that you think will, will serve as the catalyst for that kind of change. You know, it peters out because you're, you're trying to change a lifetime of behavior, right? Whether you've been living for 25 years or whether you've been living for 55 years, right. All those things that you've learned, you got to unlearn them, you got to replace them with something. But if you're trying to do it by yourself, man, it's not, I'm not saying it's impossible to do, but it sure as hell is a lot harder to do. You don't need to. So finding, finding and you know, whether it's a 12 step program, whether it's church, whether it's just, you know, but be careful, you know, because you don't necessarily want to open yourself up to everyone. I'm very select with who I open myself up to and who I choose to be vulnerable with. So if something doesn't feel right, trust that even though you may not completely understand it now today, I can immediately go, okay, this is why this doesn't feel right to me early on. I don't think I would have been able to identify it as readily as I can today.

Right.

So you kind of have to trust that because there are a lot of people out there who are just nasty, right. Who will see that as a weakness and will want to take advantage of you. And because you're so desperate enough for change, how people get into cults and, you know, in toxic, abusive relationships because they're so desperate for some sort of salvation from whatever they're suffering from, they'll go to anything.

Right.

And sometimes it's worse, Right.

But.

There are alternatives, you know, that are safe, that are encouraging, that are supportive. Some of them are professional, some of them aren't.

Right. But.

And you don't have to go with, you know, with, with the very first one. You can shop around.

Yeah.

You find something. It's just like, it's not like, oh, this is my only chance to do that, because I, I didn't. I did counseling at various stages of my life. Each of them were helpful in different ways. But it wasn't this woman until I was in my 50s who was kind of like finally said, let's look at this ADHD thing.

Right?

I'm in my 50s and it's. I'd seen at least four or five counselors up to that point.

Right.

No one ever made the observation that this is what mine. But she saved my life in many ways.

Right.

So it's wonderful.

Yeah.

I think, you know, going back to the imposter, you know, going back to your question about people want to start doing something, you know, people, a lot of people say, well, just start doing it. And I think that's very true. The benefit of the podcast for me is that because I started the podcast back in 2006, where I really didn't have anybody to compare myself to, it made it easier to do because there was no one who was doing my particular approach to podcasting in terms of doing interviews with photographers.

Right.

There were a lot of different. It was a wild, wild west back then. So what few podcasts focused on photography did exist, were mostly focused on equipment and approach and techniques, not, you know, weekly conversations with photographers. So I didn't have the burden of comparing myself as I would now if I were starting now.

Right.

That being said, I would still encourage people, whether they want to do a podcast, whether they want to do a YouTube channel, is find something that you would enjoy even if you only had an audience of three, so that the work that you put into it is something that you look forward to doing. And if you can be happy with doing the work with an audience of three, and you don't mind that, then go ahead and do it. Because you inevitably, if you're passionate and love what you're doing, you're going to have more people than three people listening to it. Because when I started the show, I remember looking at the numbers and they were like, 14, 20. It takes a while. It takes a while. So it's not going to change overnight. You're not going to be Joel Rogan.

In a year, right?

I'm never going to be Joe Rogan, and I've been doing it longer than Joe Rogan.

Right.

But again, I know that my. My particular podcast is a very niche. I know that there are other YouTube channels and other podcasts that get bigger audience because they focus on equipment and gear. I'm not in pursuit of the numbers. I want to have conversations with these people because I'm really interested in them. And that's why this show exists, is because it gives me an excuse to do that.

Right.

So even if I wasn't making a dime from this thing, I would keep doing it because I love talking shop with people whose work I admire. So as long as I can, I don't think I'm going to be doing like Marc Maron and quitting.

Right.

I don't see that for me, I can only imagine that it's because I physically can't do it anymore, is the reason I'll stop because I derive so much satisfaction from sitting down. Like, we're doing now and just chatting for an hour. The thing we were talking about before, about my difficulty in terms of being able to connect with another human being, this show has been therapy for me because it's taught me that me being myself is great, right? Because people like me and the way I am on the show, they like hearing me, they appreciate the conversations I bring. They like me putting more myself in the conversations than I did initially, right? And I hear that and I go, oh, okay. So I'm like, I'm just myself. And so it's very self affirming, right? Which is one of the unexpected gifts I've gotten out of the podcast is learning that, oh, me being my genuine self is worth a whole lot. Maybe not monetarily, but it's worth a whole lot in terms of the wealth of things that I've gained as a result of that. The friendships, the opportunities, but just the feeling. You know, sometimes an interview with someone is like the best part of the week, right? Because I just had so much fun with talking with them for an hour, even if that's the very first time I've ever talked to them. Just as satisfying as talking to some hero like Joel Meyerowitz or Shane Maisel or somebody like that. So, yeah, just be okay with starting small and don't worry about what it'll get turned, turn into. You have a lot to learn. You're going to make a lot of mistakes, and that's okay. Podcasting is not, you know, it's not npr, right? You don't have to hit that bar. You know, it can be anything you want it to be, and it can manifest itself in any way that feels good to you. Don't model yourself over someone else and feel like that's the way I'm supposed to do it. It can be whatever way you feel fits you, and that's going to be okay. If you just want to, you know, yap at the microphone just by yourself for 45 minutes, you go and do that. If you want to talk about, geek out about film, and that's all you talk about is film, go ahead and do that, right? Because they're going to be other people who are going to like what you're doing and they'll find you, but you got to put it out there and, you know, and, and keep putting it out there because people will gravitate to you. You know, what that success is going to mean, is going to be, can be, it can vary. But if you're going in there thinking, okay, I'll be Able to quit my job in five years. Probably not unlikely. Yeah, I agree. But if you're going to still like doing it. Do you see yourself still doing this in five years?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Because people, I. I've not kept up with podcast statistics, but I think the sort of. The tipping point for a lot of podcasts is somewhere around 10. And there's a big drop off because people realize how much work it is and there's a huge drop off. And then if you get past I think like 30 or something, that kind of puts you up in the. In the 90th percentile.

Yeah.

You know, so for me, after doing this for 18, 19 years, I forget how long 2006 it's going to be. Yeah, 20 years.

Yeah, almost 20 years.

Small percentile. People who have been doing it since. For as long as.

Yeah, I mean, that was the first time anyone said podcast.

In 2006 I first started listening.

Yeah, probably.

Maybe the first one may have been 2004, but the first ones I started listening to were the year before I.

Started and changed the world.

People like me and you can, you know, fire up a microphone and put stuff out there and we don't have any gatekeepers.

That's right.

I pay.

I think I paid $12 to this. I was able to get a bunch of equipment and had some of it already and $12 and I'm in now. I've spent a lot more cents. $12 to start.

That's.

That's the other thing.

Don't spend too much early on. Yeah, you know, get a simple USB microphone, get a good set of headphones, you know, keep it simple, at least for the first year.

Then.

Then you can start throwing money at it.

And this has been an amazing conversation body.

Next, thank you so much for your.

Time and coming on the sort of share podcast. I'm sure every listener is going to get a lot of value out of this. So thank you so much.

Thank you for asking me. It was great fun then. I enjoyed it, man.

So much fun. I would do that every day of the week. Thank you so much to Ibadian Xparillo for joining me for that awesome conversation. And thank you, listener, for tuning in to the second half of that conversation here, either on a Sunday, the day it came out, or whenever you got around to it. Episode 30 feels so momentous, partially because ebody and X mentioned it in the actual episode that 30 is such a tipping point. Well, I'm gonna keep going at this and I hope you folks stick with me really quickly. I want to mention. It was in the show notes last time, but this time I'm gonna talk about it in the actual episode. Ibadian Xperillo and his wife Cynthia lost their home in the Eaton fires, January 2025. You'll see in the show notes that there's a GoFundMe for them. If you can find it in your hearts to donate, it would be greatly appreciated. Don't have to tell them where you came from. You don't have to leave a note. You don't even have to leave your name. As far as I understand gofundme, you can leave an anonymous amount, whether it's a dollar or a million. It'll help. So please check out that link and head on over. In the meantime, we'll keep doing what we do.