Welcome to the Sword of Sure podcast. Where doubt looms, fear whispers, and the only way forward is through. I'm Samar Carbo and if you've ever felt like you're just sort of sure about what you're doing, you're not alone. This is where we face the uncertainty. Push past the hesitation and keep going anyway way. So take a breath, step in, and let's move forward together.

Hello and welcome to the Sword of Shore podcast. As you may have caught in the beginning, my name is Samar Carbo and I am so excited to bring you this conversation with Kristen o' Connor from the Birdie XO podcast. She's going to talk to us about some awesome things in her history as well as give us some advice for the future. But before we get there, if you have a story of imposter syndrome or self doubt that you want to share, shoot me an email at sort of surepodmail.com let's have a listen.

My name is Kristen Birdie O'. Connor. I am the host of the Birdie XO Healing, Helping and Inspiration podcast that just launched this year. I'm a mom to two boys, a wife. The name of your podcast is absolutely perfect because who is 100% sure of anything 100% of the time? So I know, not me.

I, I was actually talking with someone today kind of about that my podcast being the sort of shore and, and trying to teach people that really no one was created in the lab and we all have these struggles being something that I needed many years ago and I just had to kind of figure that out on my own. I'm sort of becoming the adult that I needed as a kid. And is that something that you're feeling in your podcast as well?

A hundred percent. So, you know, I just wrapped up season one and a lot of what I, you know, brought on, the guests that I brought on were subjects that I went through in my life. I went through it alone. I've always been somebody that always had to figure it out alone. I can figure out anything. I'm a Gen Xer. I can figure out anything, apparently. But I hated the idea that there was people out there struggling that could, couldn't figure it out, didn't know where to go. So yeah, that's kind of, you know, how it all started for me and how I kind of came up with the topics of what I wanted to put out there and discuss. I've always been a helper, you know, so I think just wanting to help is just kind of my nature. I Didn't know how that was going to translate from childhood to adulthood. I could never figure out what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be. Actually, that's not true. I wanted to be an investigative journalist, right? I wanted to get the truth and put it out there and really uncover the things that nobody was talking about. And I was told as a young girl, there are a dime a dozen, which they weren't. I mean, this is in the 80s, the early 80s. It was. They were not a dime a dozen. So the advice was, be a secretary, make a good living, have benefits and all that. And so, of course, I followed that advice. And I was a secretary for a lot of years, and I was miserable. Corporate life just did not make me happy. I ended up getting sick, and that took me out of the workforce. And I was like, now what? Now what am I going to do? Because I can't return to the workforce with my. I have Crohn's disease. And I talk about that a lot on my show, and it affected my eyes. So I can't sit at a computer for 10 hours a day like I had been doing. So, you know, well, now what? And it just kind of came to me that I was going through all of these things and I'm not the. I can't be the only one, right? So all of this can't be for nothing. I have to maybe help other people. And so it just kind of manifested that way.

So as you were kind of going through that journey, was it a one to one? You just. I'm getting this confidence off of you, so it's possible, and that's totally okay. Would you say it was a sort of like, people need it, so I need to do it, or was there a period where you knew you needed to get there, but you didn't know how to be that person for people?

I. I think the first part of that, I. I needed people to hear. I needed to be there to help the people, direct them, guide them, and be the voice that some people don't have. Because I do. I have the confidence and I will speak my mind. You know, the confidence to say, maybe I shouldn't speak my mind. Sometimes not so much. But I can be the. The mouthpiece for the people that are afraid to do that.

That's lovely. I. I think it's so beautiful, though, because we. We have to have those people in life. Somebody has to speak up. I know. I. I always tell my wife. I. I know somebody has to tell the, the server that I didn't get my fries. And it's not going to be me. So I absolutely see that. And while we're on, you know, the topic of families and all that, do you think that kind of played into your, your role in your family, your, you know, growing up into that, your role in the world?

Well, my sister was more of the quiet type. She didn't like to rock the boat. I was always rocking the boat. I think my parents, by the time I came around, they were just like whatever, you know. My father always called me a free spirit. So I guess I've had this personality and spirit that was hard to contain and it just went wherever the day took me. And I was happy to live life that way for a really long time. And then you grow up and you go, oh, that really doesn't fly so much anymore. I have to adult now. And then trying to figure out, how do you adult when you're just so used to taking the day as it comes, Right?

That's so good. So your sort of internal voice was to, to say to yourself, hey, I have to be an adult with other people. And so let me just dial it back a touch. Where would you say that comes out in your life?

The trying. The trying to adult, but really not adulting. Well, you know, in the corporate world, they were not ready for me. They were not, you know, you had very serious people. They were, you know, there to do their job. They were. I worked with a lot of intellectual, which I'm not. I'm not an intellect. I'm smart enough, you know, but I was not that brainiac that I was surrounded by. I was the personality and they just weren't. And so trying to reel myself in, to fit into that was really difficult.

It's something that I hear a lot, actually, when people say I'm not that intellect or that kind of thing. Who would you say is, who fits that bill for you?

Oh, I mean, you know, in my personal life, or like well known people.

Let'S go with both or either.

Well, I worked with scientists, right, Engineers. And so they are very introverted and they're lost in their head and they're thinkers and, you know, they're brilliant. And so that you don't always see both. You don't always see that super smart, that genius type with a personality that's I found to be rare. So that's kind of, you know what I'm talking about, where it's like, hey, how you doing? You know, I come in the, the office and be like, oh my God, guess what? I just did. And they really didn't care. You know, they weren't into that. You know, somebody famous who fits the bill. Oh, well, Bill Gates, right? Yeah.

That he's a genius, very smart and almost unnecessarily. So leave some for the rest of us.

We need to have a chat with him.

Right. So when would you say that comes into. And I'm thinking this situation might not be one of them, but when would you say that comes into imposter syndrome for you?

Well, oddly enough, I think the big personality is the mask of that. So I think I feel that probably 90% of the time, you know, you walk in and you just feel like either they're not so boisterous as I am and they are really not wanting to hear what I have to say because it's not in alignment with whatever they're saying. I mean, really, it's most situations for me. So I think probably this all happened very young where I had to be loud and, you know, here I am to fit into the room.

Wow. So then what is the voice? Is it that one where, you know, you need to temper yourself or things like that or what's that internal conversation when you're masking with your boisterousness?

The internal conversation is, oh my God, you know, it's just like, what are they thinking about me? And so what I've learned is to not put myself in those rooms where I have to wonder, find my people that are going to accept me, whether I'm loud, whether I'm deciding to be quiet that day. I. And either version of me is okay and I'm not wondering if I'm fitting in. And so that's really been the biggest lesson that I've learned going into adulthood is don't sit at the tables where you are having that internal dialogue of self doubt.

Oh, that's so beautiful. And would you say that's kind of what brought you to the place where you are now, where you're. You're feeling a little bit more confident. Is it your tribe specifically or have you put other habits in place or is it both?

Oh, yeah, it's a little bit of all of that. I had started therapy. I lost my parents. My mother will be gone four years. My father will be gone six years. They passed two years apart. So at that time I had started going to therapy and just trying to. I thought it was going to be grief therapy. It ended up not. And the onion peeled back and I realized I had all these fears. I was living in constant fear and everything. All of my behaviors, my choices were all under the shroud of fear. And so part of doing this was to face those fears. Like, I'm very extroverted with people I know, but I feel very socially awkward trying to have a conversation with people I don't know. So it was almost like a test to myself to say, can I do this? Like, I'm interested in people, but I don't really know how to talk to them. And so that was part of this going, I can do this, and I'm going to force myself out of my comfort zone, and I'm going to do this, and I'm doing it. It worked.

Yeah. Well, that's. That's an amazing thing. And I think people really don't understand when they look at someone like you who. Who has gotten to this position. You've. You've finished your first season of the podcast. It is successful. You have these amazing conversations that are so fun to listen to. Absolutely. And they say she was born that way because you have to be a superhero. Right. So. So that they don't have to step outside of their comfort zone. Was there ever a time when you were in that position?

You have to step out of my comfort zone. Yeah.

Where you had sort of an inflection point where either you had to step out of your comfort zone or you had to start being very, very small.

Gosh, yeah. Many times throughout life, in any situation, you know, but most recently, interviewing my first guest for my podcast, it was somebody I didn't know. Actually, it wasn't my first guest. It was my second guest. I brought in my girlfriends for the first podcast just to kind of get used to it and have an easy conversation. But really smart guest. Right. Trying to figure it out, because I didn't know. I didn't know how to work the technology and all the things. But then on the second guest, it was somebody I didn't know. It was a topic about caregiving. Um, and she was an expert. She had been in the field 20, 25 years. Really smart, very smart. And I was thinking, how am I going to have a conversation with her? And luckily, I just pulled from my own experience. I had cared for my parents, cared for grandparents, so it was a topic that was relatively safe because I had the personal experience to have the conversation. And so that's really how my podcast kind of. I found the courage to do it and speak to people that I didn't know because it was based off of life experiences that I had. So it was easy conversation.

Wow. And that's kind of the thing. And I think a lot of people are afraid of that. It's not. The first episode was. My first episode was me droning on about things for seven minutes and then I paraded a bunch of people I already knew as well. But then that's the part where you have to start saying, I, I don't know, an infinite amount of people. What do I do now?

Right.

And that's the fear. And it's so much like this, that Marianne Williamson poem that she has in. Oh, I forget the book, but she's pretty famous. How people can look that up.

Well, not personally, with love too, but.

Yeah, but it's our deepest fear is not that we're inadequate. It's that we're powerful beyond measure and so much. It's that, that, you know, intertwining with the Spider man quote of how much responsibility this great power comes with.

Right.

And we, we don't want to take that on. And I, I think you're somebody who doesn't shy away from responsibility. Is that.

No, that doesn't scare me.

Yeah. And so when you have that sort of barrier between you and someone you didn't know, what was the hesitation?

It was actually because I was so socially awkward, I would get to a point where my mind would go blank. It would be like they would be talking. I wouldn't exactly hear what people were saying. You know, it's like, you know, from the peanuts. And so to have that back and forth and have a coherent thought, I thought, oh my God, how am I going to have this back and forth when I know I'm going to almost black out in the middle of conversation? So it was really. I had to push through that and stay really present.

If you were to have somebody in front of you who was at the very beginning of their career, either corporate or what have you. Anything that you've reached a high level in, but they are mired in imposter syndrome and self doubt is keeping them back. What advice would you have for them?

I would give them the advice I was given when I was 16 years old and working in a deli and working a register. I didn't know how to work and I clearly had the look on my face that I did not know what I was doing. And the gentleman in front of me said, act like you own this joint. So I thought, okay. And that actually did help where it was like, yeah, I own this joint. I can screw this up, whatever. And that would be the advice. Walk in a room like you Own the room.

That's so good. And, you know, nobody has said that yet. And that's. That's part of what I love with all these interviews. They're all incredibly unique, but I got a similar thing. I was. When I was a kid, I was in musicals and plays and in front of thousands of people and all that stuff, and I eventually had to just say, either I'll never see these people again my entire life, or I will see them again. And I would rather they hate me for doing my very best than me just phoning it in.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. I mean, it's crazy when you say. I mean, we get lost in the moment of fear, but then when we think back on it, we go, oh, my God, we let somebody else's opinion of me. What I think they're gonna think, change how I handled this situation. What I wanted something that would bring me joy, like being in a play. And whatever it is, if I'm afraid of what I think they're going to think, I'm going to miss out on so much. Right, right.

And. And we're all in that position at one point or another. But I think there's a specific thing about these, you know, type A people who know where they want to go in life and don't want to mess it up.

Well, don't let. And when I was in my corporate job, they did this workshop with us, and we took the personality test. I came back, type A. Had no idea really what I wanted to do with life. I'm like, okay, well, while I'm here, yes, I want it exactly like this. Beyond that, no, I didn't know.

Right. And they just. They put us in these boxes, of course, because of the personality type, because I come back type A as well, and people who know me would never think that, what, Samar, he just leaves the house and doesn't know what he's going to do this day. But of course, I plan it as I go. And once. I know, I know that's right.

Well, you know the goal. Right. You kind of have a goal in mind, how you're gonna get there. Well, that's a. Whatever.

Right. Was there anything that we haven't talked about on the podcast that you would like to get out, whether you know what's going on in your life or. Or a plug of any kind.

Yeah. Everybody check out Birdie XL Found wherever you get your podcast, because there's a little bit of something for everybody. And I had told you when we spoke, I Love the name of your podcast because none of us are always sure. We all of us are feeling some kind of imposter syndrome. We're trying to figure out our next steps, how to get there. Is this like we're all unsure? We're all unsure at some point in the day, not even in our lives. There's at some point the day we're not sure. But you just keep pushing through and figuring it out and take whatever lessons come along the way if it's, you know, hurtful lessons, if you're being turned away, that's all something together from that experience to keep moving you forward. And so that's what I try to put out in my podcast with my guests. And there's a little something for everybody.

Yeah, that's awesome. Healing, helping and inspiration of all kinds.

That's right.

Well, thank you so much for coming on the Soda of Sure podcast. It has been.

Thank you so much for having me. This has been so much fun. I really appreciate this.

Absolutely.

Bye. Bye.

Just an awesome conversation with Kristen Birdie o'. Connor. Check her out on the Birdie XO podcast. Wherever you find your podcast, I'm sure she'd love to have you. Don't forget, if you have a story of imposter syndrome or self doubt and you want to share it, shoot me an email at sort of surepod gmail.com that does it for us today. Later days.